Who are you?

Maybe you need to de-center men.

Photo by Jeffery Erhunse on Unsplash

Who are you?

As an African woman and a first daughter, I know who I have been told to be.

I have been told to be “Mrs Somebody”

My life, desires, and growth have revolved around a hypothetical “Husband’s house.”

I understand the culture, but there comes a time in a person’s life when they sit with themselves beyond society and “culture” and ask the question, “Who am I?”

There also comes a time in a woman’s life where she sits with herself and asks, “Beyond the male gaze, male attention, or without making decisions from the lens of a man or a future husband, ‘Who am I?”

So my question again is, who are you?

Not who you have been told to be?

Who are you?

What do you like?

Something that is not dependent on having a man, finding a man, or keeping a man.

Just something you enjoy.

Some people pick up activities and hobbies so they can find a partner, and I guess that is ok (everybody can do what they want), but shouldn’t you also have hobbies just for yourself?

I used to struggle with saying that I like to read books and write my thoughts because I was worried that it would come off as boring or weird, and nobody would want to marry me.

I don’t like crowds or concerts, and I would rather attend dinners, brunch, supper clubs, book club hangouts, and stuff like that.

I also did not know how to express these things because they are not “fun” in the conventional way.

I also like to be at home. I LOVE MY HOUSE. I love being at home

I like soft things.

I don’t want pressure or gra gra.

Not my vibe.

But at several times, I have quietened my core self … to fit into what a partner would prefer.

There is compromise and there is losing yourself, your core, and who you are on the altar of a relationship.

There is a difference. Be aware.

Why do you dress nicely and look good?

Is it because it makes you feel good and boosts your self-esteem?

Do you know that a man finding you attractive is a bonus to this and not the main goal?

Why should you know how to cook?

Because it is a survival skill, and it will also actually save you money.

It is also a pretty healthy option, and it can be fun for those who enjoy it.

Do you know that it doesn’t have to be for a hypothetical husband?

(I am not saying you should starve your husband o)

Why should you do chores?

Because you are an adult and you are responsible for your living space, and there is something about a clean space that makes you feel so relaxed.

Not because of a hypothetical husband.

Why should you take your hygiene seriously?

Because it is good for you.

For your health, for your confidence.

(Also, bad hygiene is a big turn-off for anybody, not just a partner)

Do you know what matters to you?

Do you know that it is ok to speak out?

Do you know that submission is not subjugation, or are you just happy to be a MRS at the expense of yourself?

Do you know who you are outside of a man?

Me, I am not telling you not to meet men o. I think that romantic/ marital relationships are beautiful.

I have a partner and I am VERY HAPPY.

But I have had to take a pause for a while and reevaluate myself and what matters to me, because I was sacrificing myself for relationships.

And it boiled down to a lack of a sense of self.

How can you know that you are sacrificing yourself if you don’t know yourself or have a solid sense of self?

I call you blessed.
-Damilola Orija—not just “Mrs Somebody”